Yelling Does Not Help: Don’t Shout It Out, Write It Out

Arguments about money, in-laws, parties, concerts, and PlayStation versus X-Box are commonplace in relationships and can be quite damaging to both the marriage and the family. The list is endless. The majority of us simply wait to reply, or more precisely, give them a few words to respond and launch an assault, rather than truly listening to what they have to say. A portion of us don’t even genuinely hear what we have to say. If we are, at most, hearing half of the debate, how are we supposed to solve anything?

Arguments rarely resolve anything

They lead to wounded sentiments, grudges, and, in some cases, the bullying of a loved one into accepting something they don’t want or like.

Even if we are aware that the process is ineffective, we yet engage in a lot of the same debates or new ones that follow the same pattern. It’s a habit of ours. We act in this way because it is cozy and familiar. We don’t know any other way, therefore we act in this manner. Our parents settled arguments in this way. We have always settled disputes in this manner. Some of us use this as an opportunity to get our way most of the time, while others use it as an opportunity to become frustrated and hurt or to become determined to win the next argument at any costs—even if it’s only about which show to watch live and which to record for later.

Shouting and arguing frequently ends up upsetting the neighbors and the household. Most of the time, arguments arise from us letting our inner kids “play.” According to Dave Ramsey, kids act on their instincts. Adults make plans and follow them. Perhaps it’s time for us to handle disagreements like grownups.

Some make an effort to engage in conversation. This is an improvement. If all parties are according to the guidelines often given in premarital counseling, this entails one person speaking while the other listens intently and occasionally summarises what they have heard. Neither party makes an effort to predict the other’s words or manner of responding. We compromise and refrain from leveling unjustified charges. The issue with this is that conversations tend to turn into disputes more quickly the more personally invested we are in a subject.

So how can you discuss contentious subjects and still get somewhere?

You put it in writing. I apply this to both my clients and myself. Thus far, this strategy has worked flawlessly every time it has been applied. To be honest, most clients just do it once or twice before going back to their previous routines. One couple I knew was able to do it once a week. Which couple did you think progressed the most?

There are several facets to the idea of writing it down. First, you should consider what you want to say. Writing things down helps you become more exact and succinct. Your indecision usually disappears and you become attentive to what you are saying. The next concept is that you have to read what the other person or people have stated in order to reply. The fact that accountability is a part of it is another fantastic feature.

Everyone can see your handwriting and your words. “I didn’t say that” or “I don’t recall saying that” are no longer acceptable. Naturally, putting it in writing allows you to better digest your feelings and become more analytical overall. It’s remarkable how different things appear when put in paper, and it’s also surprising how cautious we are about our agreements and promises when we put them in writing.

There are some simple rules for this process

1. Make use of a spiral notebook or notepad.

In this manner, the conversations remain coherent and in order. Pen and paper is preferred, but if you are separated during these chats, texting or emailing can be done as well.

2. Less distractions are present

Cell phones are turned off, muted, and stored. Children should be taught not to interrupt when they need anything, even though they will virtually always need something. When to schedule a discussion depends on the requirements and age of the children involved. But just because your youngest is fifteen does not guarantee that you will ever have a fruitful conversation. There should be “all hands on deck” if he has the stomach bug and is spitting like a fire hydrant from both ends. It is unlikely that a conversation will take place that evening. Select your moments.

3. Give each conversation a title and stay on topic.

Even if they are true, remarks like “the pot roast is dryer than the Sahara” or “how controlling and/or intrusive your spouse’s mother is” have no place in a discussion about the budget. The Good Eats books by Alton Brown and “Boundaries” by Drs. Cloud and Townsend can help with the former and the latter. Furthermore, this budget discussion is not the place to debate whether your child is going to be on the senior trip to Cancun. Whether or not you can afford to send the child should be discussed in relation to the budget. Once the budget talk is over and you’ve decided whether or not you can afford to send them, you may have another conversation regarding whether or not they go.

4. Everybody uses a different hue of ink.

I understand that some of you are saying, “That’s ridiculous.” I’ve learned from experience how crucial this is. One benefit is that you can swiftly browse through someone’s comments for what you’re looking for. Another is that these discussions can still get rather animated, and you’d be surprised at how similar your handwriting may look when you’re feeling really animated.

5. Talks shouldn’t last more than an hour.

You put the conversation on hold and take it up later, unless there’s an urgent decision that needs to be made that evening. You do not attempt to discuss the matter with your spouse outside of the written exchange.

6. Breaks can be called

Sometimes you become overly invested in something and need a moment or two to decompress. So you go to the bathroom. Obtain a beverage. Verify that the children are in the proper place, etc. Perhaps someone should go conduct some research and return to the conversation. A break should be no longer than ten to fifteen minutes. No, that doesn’t apply to the hour.

7. Plan ahead

The best time to discuss and make plans for a budget crunch is well in advance, not when the expenses start to pile up. It is advisable to arrange family vacations at least two months in advance. Most families handle their 16-year-old child as though it’s an unexpected occurrence, even though driving school, vehicles, and auto insurance are not. Plan your discussions as far in advance as you can.

8. Money disputes can be harmful to a relationship.

Money and arguments about money are either the most or second most common reasons for divorce, according to the studies you read. Creating a budget—a spending plan or cash flow plan are frequently more appropriate terminology for budgets—can lessen or even stop these arguments. You should not use a budget to control someone else’s finances. People decide how much money to spend using a budget. Once targets are established, the budget’s financial flow becomes more analytical than subjective.

You might also need to mention other rules. Additional guidelines designed for particular couples or families have emphasized the need to try problem-solving and creative thinking, to avoid doing the same thing repeatedly, and to be open to trying things in new ways. When attempting to properly handle a situation, it is always beneficial to be adaptable and willing to make concessions. The new approach might need some fine-tuning and might not function flawlessly right away. We don’t simply give up on the new approach and go back to the more convenient but ineffective old method.

Keep in mind that circumstances change. Even if your kids are just 4 and 6 years old right now, in a few years they will be able to assist with a wide range of tasks. Give them a lesson in laundry sorting right away. A time saver exists. They will eventually be able to handle their own laundry as they become older and will have an increasing understanding of the process. The same is true for cleaning the house. yard labor. cleaning the dishes. preparing food. Watched Masterchef Junior before? My upcoming piece will discuss the value of children helping out around the house and without getting compensated for it.