Why You Should Hold Hands When You Fight

If you’re anything like me, the last thing you want when you’re arguing is for your partner to touch you. When my boyfriend and I were fighting, I used to resist when he reached out to me in any way. I would also cross my arms and possibly even turn away from him. and sneer. I used to become so upset with my parents that I would develop a really terrific glare.

However, I’ve been honing a new fighting technique.

The Reptilian Brain and Danger

We prefer to withdraw during a quarrel for a good reason: we don’t feel safe. More specifically, when danger—of the life-or-death kind—is detected, our reptile brains activate the fight-or-flight response in our autonomic nerve systems. Why do arguments over who does the dishes cause the reptile brain to get active? Since birth, this ape-like portion of our brains has been trained to become active whenever our connection needs aren’t met.

In other words, when mom provides us with food, shelter, and love, we feel safe, and an alarm goes off when those requirements are not supplied. because if a caregiver does not meet an infant’s demands, they will eventually die. Several years later, we experience the same kind of attachment bond with our love partner that we did with our primary caregivers. The alarm goes off and we run for our life when that bond is in danger.

We are all aware that a disagreement with our significant other is probably not a matter of life or death. Therefore, we must override the message being sent by our reptilian brain and instruct it to remain composed (and fight on). However, we must fight differently: not as if we were helpless newborns or reptiles struggling for our life, but calmly and with all the wonderful abilities that come with the more developed parts of our brains, such as the capacity to be compassionate, empathic, generous, curious, caring, gentle, rational, and intelligent.

The Limbic Brain and Love

the limbic system, please. This area of the brain controls our emotional well-being. It’s the part of us that makes us think of mammals as being more evolved than reptiles, that makes us choose dogs over crocodiles as pets, and that makes falling in love so sweet and heartbreak so agonizing.

A lovely mechanism known as limbic resonance is triggered when we hold hands and gaze at each other with tender, loving eyes. The synchronization of one person’s internal state with another is known as limbic resonance. Emotion reading, if you will, is the mindreading of the emotional system. Using limbic resonance, a mother can determine what demands her child has. The entire flock turning left without any one bird in charge is what allows a flock of birds to fly as a unit. We automatically sense someone’s interior condition when we are in limbic resonance with them.

The value of reading other people

We have been practicing reading people since birth—their vitality, their energy levels, and their facial expressions. Why? It’s a survival skill that leads to belonging, safety, and—most importantly—tons of knowledge about another person’s very crucial interior condition. We undervalue the value of reading others, but we also recognize that successful people are good readers: better readers are sensitive to their children, better readers are attentive to their clients, and better readers are attuned to their audiences. But when it comes to romantic love, this ability is mostly ignored. We frequently tune out rather than tune in when we argue with our significant others.

We have the chance to comprehend things better when we decide to tune in to them instead. For instance, the real reason I get furious when the dishes aren’t done has nothing to do with doing the dishes. My mom’s drinking caused my childhood home to be chaotic and messy, and it makes me feel bad since it brings back an unpleasant implicit recollection of how my life was at the time. When my boyfriend is aware of that about me, he is much more likely to help me heal the hurt caused by my mother’s neglect by doing the dishes. When we recognize our partner’s humanity—their vulnerabilty, their emotional scars—the work of the couple shifts from conflict resolution to healing.

Consequently, you have a choice. You may battle unconsciously to maintain your life, much like reptiles do. Alternately, you can opt to take a deep breath, hold your partner’s hands, gaze lovingly into their eyes, and strengthen your bond through limbic resonance. We are reminded of our safety and our love for one another when we are in resonance with one another. The want to hurt the other in order to defend ourselves is gone, and the urge to show sensitive care replaces it. We have the capacity to rectify the error of the reptilian brain in limbic resonance: I am not in danger, I am in love, and I want to stay in love.