How To Diminish Self-Preservation In Marriage

Do you ever take a step back and wish your marriage had gone differently? Do you and your partner constantly argue or engage in a tug-of-war that wears out your marriage more than it needs to? Marriage will undoubtedly involve arguments because, as human beings, we all have our own tastes and beliefs. But, it pays to be able to disagree politely and in a way that advances communication and action in a married relationship.

You may be asking how to start a relationship change or how to turn the tide. Well, analyzing your self-preservation desire is a crucial place to start. Sincerely think about the following queries: 1) Am I willing to try other approaches in my marriage? 2) Do I become angry or disturbed quickly when I don’t get my way? 3) Does feeling like I don’t have control over my relationship or home make me feel threatened? 4) Do I have to prevail or make my point at any costs? You may have a strong self-preservation urge if the answer to any of those questions is yes. Self-preservation can be detrimental and even ruin your marriage, even though it might come in handy in some situations, as when you’re scared and naked in the middle of the Amazon!

What is self preservation?

Self-preservation is defined by the Merriam-Webster dictionary as “a natural or instinctive tendency to act so as to preserve one’s own existence” as well as “preservation of oneself from destruction or harm.”Now, my friend, hold on if you are trapped in an abusive marriage or have a controlling or coercive partner. The natural desire to protect your own existence must be lessened, though, if you think your spouse is generally liked and you wish to strengthen your marriage. TWO become ONE through marriage. Seems over the top? It may be, but there’s nothing drastic or harmful about it if you’re with the proper person. In fact, when both couples embody this idea of “two becoming one,” marriage becomes easier.

Once you make your commitment, you are no longer a single person. If there is any harm or risk there, it stems from a fear of change and vulnerability (but that’s a different story, for another blog post!). When you and your partner become one, you work to figure out what you both need from each other as a team. After that, you proceed to work together to do that. You give in to what works best for the marriage rather than holding onto your comforts, preferences, style, and opinions in some never-ending “every man for himself” game. I know it can be unsettling to be vulnerable and give up control. It’s possible that you are unaware of how to act in a different way than you have been doing in this area.

To move from SELF-preservation to US-preservation, follow these few steps. US-preservation, in my opinion, is a mature instinct to protect your marriage from danger or ruin, including the damage you do when you behave like a narcissistic control freak (yes, I said it). Let’s get started.

Step 1: Mindfully examine your fears

Think about the things you would rather not happen in your marriage if you were more adaptable and willing to change.

Step 2: Determine whether you trust your partner

Decide if you believe your spouse is trustworthy, sincere, interested in the marriage’s success, and able to offer insightful suggestions and comments. If not, you need to look closely at the reasons behind your inability or unwillingness to trust your partner in those areas.

Step 3: Communicate your fears and concerns

Approach it in a method that enables your spouse to comprehend how to allay your worries and resolve the problems.

Step 4: Identify the key values in your marriage

Together with your spouse, sit down and list the main principles you wish to maintain in your union. Next, list the essential rules of engagement so that, when the time comes, you can respectfully, lovingly, and civilly address opposing viewpoints. If you don’t have to, why start World War III in your house?

Gandhi advocated for being the change you want to see in the world, and I would add, for your marriage. I encourage you to think back on what has been beneficial and begin turning your marriage around. Till then, live well, love deeply, and be mindful!