How to Argue and Not Fight in Marriage

So you and your partner never disagree? Oh, that’s incorrect. In every relationship, especially an intimate one, two people living together will not always see things the same way and will eventually need to work out their differences. However, there are appropriate and inappropriate ways to approach it. I frequently witness couples who are just not compatible. They are extremely dislikeful of one another, argue bitterly, call names, carry out character assassinations, and bring up old unresolved issues. How on earth did things come to that? Somewhere in the distant past they imagined a wonderful life together in the future. Where did everything go wrong?

Whatever the reason for the disagreement, one thing I’ve noticed is that how a couple chooses to resolve it may either strengthen their bond or drive them farther apart. It all boils down to arguing vs fighting. For instance, something occurs that causes friction; it could be the discovery of an affair or a disagreement about a family outing. We will examine the procedure in this article rather than the disagreement’s content. Naturally, I consider both in couples therapy, but for the purposes of this discussion, we’ll concentrate on the process. The topic of disagreement is called content, and the manner in which it is discussed is called procedure. The suggestions I offer here are applicable to all circumstances, regardless of how serious or trivial they may be.

The initial action

You become angry with your lover after anything happens. The first step is to recognize your emotions. If you are exceedingly furious, I would advise that you are probably quite hurt below the rage. Next, identify the bodily location of those feelings, such as your shoulders, neck, stomach, or tenseness in your brain. Breathe deeply to help your body relax.

body and mind both get calmer when the body is calmed. Let’s now examine what is going on mentally. What narrative do you tell yourself about this circumstance? Take note of the narrative you are telling yourself about the circumstances. Do you mean that something shouldn’t have happened or that it should be done a certain manner when you use “shoulds”? They were dubbed the “tyrannical shoulds” by Karen Horney. I am going to have a lot of trouble if I think that things “should or shouldn’t be” the way they are.

We have to deal with things as they are, not as we would like them to be. Of course, in my ideal world, everything is exactly as I believe it should be, but perhaps my spouse has a different notion of what a perfect world “should be.” Thus, exercise caution when crafting the narrative you tell yourself. My hurt and rage cannot be healed if I believe that my partner “should never” have done something when, in reality, he has. Additionally, exercise caution when using phrases like “you always” or “you never.” It is not beneficial to say these things. They only serve to deepen our divide, make him defensive, and make me feel more righteous than I already am.

The resolution

Thus, how might you approach your partner to start a conversation about a point of disagreement? “I am upset about this issue and would like to talk with you about it,” is a good place to start. Ask to arrange a time to talk about it together over the course of the following 24 to 48 hours if s/he is unable to do so right now. Phrases like “I am trying to understand why..” and “I am curious as to why you..” are good ways to begin the conversation. These words create a conversation starter and let things get started. “Where am I in this?” is a crucial question to ask oneself.

Did I contribute to this scenario, even if it was only a small one, or did I ignore it altogether? Even if I think I’m not at all at blame, am I making things worse by calling people names, using profanity or other abusive words, bringing up the past, etc.? It’s preferable to resume the conversation when you’ve both had some time to cool down if things do start to become heated if someone starts being defensive or controlling out of rage. Make a “appointment” to talk further later on in the conversation. Avoiding letting a quarrel escalate from arguments to physical altercations is highly ineffective.

Conflicts entail a “we”; nonetheless, fighting involves pitting “me against you.” Even while “we” are arguing, character assassinations, foul language, and bringing up the past only serve to drive a wedge between us. Remain focused and address one problem at a time. Avoid assaulting your partner. Attacking merely makes the other person defensive, and occasionally even avoidant. Sayings like “I feel very angry about this situation and I would like to talk to you about it,” as opposed to “I feel very angry about this situation and there’s no way this is going to happen,” should be used to take responsibility of your feelings. While the first statement invites discussion, the second approach invites disagreement.

Refrain from assigning blame.

Blame and accusations might lead to a verbal dead end. Ask your partner about it and be honest with them about your suspicions if you believe they are having an affair. Inform them that you need to talk to them about information that has upset and wounded you, if you have any proof. According to studies, stonewalling, or shutting down, can be extremely damaging to a relationship. Inform your spouse if you require additional time to comprehend the situation. Taking harsh action won’t solve the problem.

It’s crucial to take your partner’s intentions into account.

Did they mean to cause you distress? Did they mean to cause trouble? Were they simply in error? Am I passing judgment on them?

Think about this: When you’re feeling good, you don’t act badly, so your partner’s bad behavior is probably a result of their own suffering. By choosing to communicate in an open and honest manner, we may resolve conflicts more amicably and with greater empathy. I’m not saying you should be a doormat, at all. Conversely, I am arguing that assertiveness works better than aggression. Think about getting professional assistance if your partner shuts down, gets defensive, or attempts to turn the tables on you.

It is highly recommended that you seek professional help if you and your partner are unable to settle problems, have slipped into bad patterns of interaction, or s/he is reluctant or unable to look at themselves constructively during a quarrel. A skilled and impartial marriage counselor can assist you in identifying and addressing your strengths, resolving persistent, long-standing difficulties, and breaking free from unfavorable patterns of communication. You go to counseling if your partner refuses to. Positive transformation in a partnership can be achieved through effective therapy with just one partner.

Not to mention, remember to breathe deliberately throughout the argument. This will support you in maintaining composure, responding to your partner rather than reacting to them, and maintaining your sense of reason.