How Attachment Styles Affect Relationships

We are all familiar with the relationship cat and mouse game. That well-known chaser-chased dynamic is there. The way this dance is portrayed throughout the wooing stage of a developing romance is excellent in Hollywood and popular culture.

Nevertheless, rather of the hunt lasting an eternity, we frequently witness a joyful conclusion, with the mouse collapsing in the cat’s embrace and the game coming to an end.

But what happens when the game of chase goes on long after the original mission is completed?

How can we handle the back-and-forth dance that happens in a relationship after the honeymoon period ends and enters the mundane, daily rhythm?

Psychology says that our early attachment styles or patterns explain the mouse and cat behavior of wanting or avoiding someone else.

Our relationships with our mothers, or other major caregivers, as infants gave rise to these styles or practices, which have carried over into our adult bedrooms.

What is attachment?

The fundamental bond that forms between two people in order to meet the needs of the relationship or the bond itself is attachment. It can occur between spouses or between parents and children. In partnerships, oxytocin is the primary molecule that facilitates the development of attachment through routine contacts.

The effects of attachment types

Adults’ attachment styles have an impact on how they relate to other people and experience life.

A fortunate few of us will possess a secure attachment style, which will result in positive relationships with other people.

Conversely, some people may grow nervous or avoidant attachment patterns, which can cause issues with how they relate to their spouses or partners and how they perceive the outside world.

That’s not all, though.

Depending on your attachment style, the effects on a person’s perspective (secure or insecure) may intensify as you go through life and keep demonstrating to yourself that the world is secure or insecure.

People who believe everything is well prosper everywhere.

Because they haven’t experienced it before, people with an insecure attachment style grow cynical, distrustful, and insecure. They also find it difficult to think that they can accomplish their goals. To be honest, that has never occurred to them before.

Until the person experiencing insecure attachment in partnerships recognizes this cycle of compounded events and intentionally attempts to overcome their early childhood conditioning, the cycle of experiences will continue.

Many people encounter difficulties in relating to others and living their lives, as well as conflict and loneliness. And that’s a sad state of affairs because each of us depends on the connection to survive.

However, there is hope.

Knowing about attachment styles and how you use them in relationships can help us recognize our own relationship’s advantages, disadvantages, and weak points.

This gives us the chance to learn more about our partner or ourselves and discover strategies for overcoming insecure attachment patterns.

Is that, despite the fact that you did experience feelings of insecurity as a child, you are capable of finding a method to overcome your insecure programming, find closure and healing, and even form a secure bond.

What is the theory of attachment?

The Attachment Theory, developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth in collaboration, incorporates ideas from developmental psychology, cybernetics, information processing, ethology, and psychoanalysis.

The foundation of the theory is the establishment of a link between a kid and at least one primary caregiver, which is essential for a child’s optimal social and emotional development. Attachment is defined as a “lasting psychological connectedness between human beings.”

The attachment theory provides a solid foundation for comprehending how unhealthy coping strategies emerge and the underlying causes of a person’s emotional difficulties.

Four different attachment styles

Researchers and psychologists have distinguished between two major categories of relational attachment types.

Secure attachment
Insecure attachment

A. Secure attachment

Those who grew up with stable bonds had mothers who provided for their emotional needs during infancy. Mums of them:

When they sobbed, always took them up.
When they were hungry, feed them.
returned their smiles.
Trust that their mother would protect them as they ventured out into the world.

Adults who are securely linked won’t play any longer versions of the relationship cat and mouse game.

They will draw other grownups who are firmly bonded by nature.

With the knowledge that the other is rooting for them, excited to hear about their travels, and relishing in emotional, physical, and sexual closeness, each partner will feel free to step forth and see the world on their own.

Watch this to learn more about a Secure attachment style:

B. Insecure attachment

Conversely, those who have insecure (also known as anxious) attachment styles were raised by moms who were unable to provide for their emotional requirements throughout infancy. These moms were the following:


Three categories have been identified for insecure attachment styles.


infants who push their mothers away when they are with them and who become extremely nervous when they are alone.

These people usually turn to their relationships for validation, encouragement, and attentiveness. Although they cherish their relationships, people with this attachment style are constantly anxious and worried about how involved their partner is.


infants who appear self-sufficient and show very little indication of separation anxiety while their mother is not around.

People who have anxious-avoidant attachment styles are highly self-assured and have a favorable self-image.

These people generally acknowledge that being in a relationship doesn’t make them whole, and they would much rather not depend on other people, have others depend on them, or seek support and validation from their social groups.

Adults with this attachment style avoid intense intimacy and will repress their emotions when faced with an emotional situation.


infants whose moms abuse or mistreat them brutally. These infants don’t know how to handle their mother’s actions. When the mother is holding them, they either stare blankly or exhibit unsettling behaviors like swaying back and forth. These behaviors are indicative of depression.

Adults with this type of attachment may have a yearning for their relationships, which is frequently the cause of their anxieties.

While disorganized people do require closeness, they find it difficult to rely on and trust other people. Because they are afraid of being harmed, they have poor emotional regulation and avoid emotional relationships.

You can also use the “Attachment Style Quiz” to determine whether and to what degree you are attached to someone, if you’re still unsure about your own attachment type.

How attachment styles affect your relationship

The attachment styles that most individuals developed as children are carried into adulthood by them since they were never addressed, and this causes the behaviors to become emotional baggage in their relationships.

How, therefore, does your attachment style affect your partnership? This idea is known as “transference” in psychology; it is the process by which an adult replaces childhood behaviors and emotions with a new connection.

Even if it pains us to acknowledge it, the majority of us have some sort of relationship with our parents. Or at least such characteristics are what we observe in them. W and we may see those characteristics in an individual’s conduct when they experience particular kinds of stressful situations or occurrences.

Anxious-ambivalent people often match poorly with anxious-avoidant people. These two frequently reunite in relationships to relive their early interactions with their mother. Their antagonistic actions have the potential to seriously damage the partnership.

When away from their lover, the ambivalent adult becomes anxious and craves their attention.

They may ask their spouse to satisfy their wants, or they may even demand it. The avoidant partner flees to the basement or the hills as a result of this clutching. The avoidant partner reappears once the ambivalent partner gives up their urge.

Even when the avoidant spouse is unable to express their own need for attention, the thought of being apart from their partner causes them worry. Both partners stay happier the more space the ambivalent partner allows their avoidant opponent.

Things are steady only as long as neither partner acknowledges that they are the only ones who are consistently accountable for taking care of their own needs.

Changing your own attachment style

The best course of action is to alter your attachment style because you cannot influence your partner’s attachment style.

An human may always make the necessary corrections to the patterns they have in their mind, but doing so requires not only a desire to do so, but also the bravery to venture into unfamiliar area and discover new ground.

Hypnosis and creative visualization would be excellent techniques to begin regressing and reestablishing a safe relationship with oneself.

It will also be beneficial to become conscious of your attachment style and how it affects your relationships and daily life. particularly if you also focus on growing in self-awareness and forming habits to change the patterns you see.

How ambivalent attachment style affects adult relationships?

Identify that your ambivalence and feelings of neediness or anxiety toward your partner are symptoms of attachment behavior. Instead of searching for attention from someone else, ask yourself what you can do for yourself right now to feel connected to and take care of yourself.

This could involve items like:

Get a massage for yourself.
Take a date to supper for yourself.
Attend a dance or yoga class.
Engage in some other self-loving activity.
To investigate any patterns that lead to needy emotions, keep a journal of your feelings.

How avoidant attachment style affects adult relationships?

People with avoidant attachment patterns frequently struggle with trust in relationships. In general, they attempt to avoid the commitment and struggle to rely on others.

Before you feel like you want to run away from your partner, practice gently and compassionately expressing your need for space.

Ask your spouse to provide you with a safe area where you may practice expressing your emotions without fear of rejection or condemnation.

How disorganized attachment style affects adult relationships?

An individual with a disorganized attachment style experiences confusion and distress. They desire intimacy and closeness in the relationship on the one hand, but as soon as they have it, they leave, thinking it won’t last.

If you live with someone who has an erratic attachment style, stop taking responsibility for your partner’s mess!

Remind yourself that your partner’s attachment type has developed since they were infants whenever you feel triggered.

The conduct is not about you or a reflection of who you are, even though it might be projected onto you or reenacted. Avoid making the mistake of believing that your partner’s actions are your fault.

Therapy and counseling might be beneficial.

We frequently act in ways that we are unaware are caused by our attachment patterns. Getting professional help to become more conscious of your attachment style is a fantastic method to change your behavior.

Therapists and counselors can assist individuals with problematic attachment styles in understanding how their early experiences with their carers shaped their coping mechanisms, how these mechanisms restrict their future relationships, and how these mechanisms exacerbate their distress.

Additionally, therapists and counselors can assist those with attachment problems in partnerships in discovering strategies to satisfy their unfulfilled needs.

Real change arises from knowledge of the situation and oneself, not from trying to force things to change. Put another way, awareness, not effort, is what brings about a change.


Nobody is to fault for your attachment style; everyone has various ones. While it may be simple to vent your annoyance at your mother or other primary caregiver, keep in mind that all parents do their best to love and care for their children.

It has long been believed that human attachment is primarily a biological phenomenon with deep evolutionary roots. Since the field of attachment research is so young, knowledge about it is still in its infancy.

Thank goodness you can identify your attachment style and maintain your optimism that you can change from an insecure to a secure attachment with the correct amount of self-awareness, self-control, and self-love.