Help, I Married Someone Just Like my Parents!

We frequently marry someone who behaves very much like our parents. Even though you might feel like this is the last thing you ever want to do, there is a valid reason for it, and this reason can actually help you improve your marriage and all of your other relationships.

From an early age, we pick up on different patterns from our parents, which we subsequently put into practice in our relationships with one another. Regardless of whether the pattern is healthy or not, it becomes what is familiar and cozy. You might have come from a noisy family or one that was quiet and close-knit. Your parents may have made demands that were beyond your capacity, or they may not have given a damn what you did. It is quite simple to become enraged at our partner for engaging in these behaviors, but keep in mind that you chose your husband, thus it is now up to you to modify your response. These actions from your partner are either less unpleasant or eventually stop after you learn to alter your response.

We are all likely to choose a spouse with patterns similar to our parents because this is predictable and comfortable

You might wed someone who has difficulty standing up for himself if your father could not. The point is that, despite the fact that we despise these tendencies, we frequently choose partners who share them.

There is good news, though. Your reactions are what they are because as a child, you had no other option or means of control than to imitate your parents. When we are young, we are either coerced into doing what our parents want, or we just go along because it is what we know. When you get older, you marry a person who shares some of your parents’ characteristics and respond to them the same way you did when you were younger. You can start to react differently once you realize that you are an adult who can adjust your response. It won’t be simple because you might have been responding a specific way for more than 30 years. Although it is difficult, responding in a novel way is worthwhile.

For instance, if your mother or father used to leave the room during a fight, you might discover that your spouse repeats the same pattern, which is avoidance. This is a time to examine your response if you decide to break the pattern and remind your spouse of the value of remaining in the room, or if you notice that you become angry or upset when your partner leaves the room. In an argument, your mother or father could need to defend their position, and you might find yourself wed to someone who exhibits the same behavior. What would happen if you quit competing and adopted a completely different response? You may possibly just observe, or you could think about not arguing or only expressing what you genuinely know.

In all of your relationships, including your marriage, would you be happier? Each of us has developed routines for how we respond to certain circumstances, and it is only when we can take a moment to reflect on our responses that we can start to consider alternative reactions that may help troubled relationships. So while it’s true that we might shudder at the idea of being married to someone who is similar to our parents, if we adopt a new reaction, we will see that the majority of conflicts are a result of a habit and a taught reaction.

One more thing to consider. Since you have endured the aggravation of this conduct for your whole life, you will respond immediately if your spouse is repeating annoying behaviors that are identical to those of your parents. It’s important to keep in mind that you might be concentrating a lot on those bothersome repetitive patterns while you’re trying to come up with new methods to respond to your spouse. It’s possible that your partner exhibits a number of endearing and loving traits that need your attention.

What behavior toward your spouse would you change, if you could?