Do You Share a Colluding Bond With Your Manipulative Spouse

You and your manipulative, narcissistic wives are magnetically attracted to one other because of the parallels between you. These parallels are a big part of what keeps you bound together. If you are a collaborating caregiver for a manipulative spouse, continue reading to learn more and take appropriate action. Recognize whether your reasons for staying in such a poisonous relationship are fear, guilt, low self-esteem, or even fear.

Narcissist/Caretaker similarities

1. Perfectionism

Perfectionism functions differently in caregivers and narcissists. While caretakers feel they should be perfect and it is your responsibility to make your spouse perfectly happy, narcissists believe they are perfect and everyone around them should be perfect. You’ll be manipulated by the narcissist as long as you think it’s your duty to tend to your manipulative spouse’s needs, wants, and expectations.

2. A lack of limits

In your past relationships, boundaries are most likely standard. That being said, it’s highly probable that you succumb to merging with your cunning spouse. Your boundaries often vanish when you are really in love and care for someone else. Feeling so engrossed in your loved one is not unusual in your opinion. You could think it’s improper to disappoint her or him in any manner, to say “no,” or to be “selfish.” It’s possible to feel bad for disagreeing or setting boundaries.

3. Both high and low self-worth

You and your partner most likely agree that you have a rather high sense of self-worth. Narcissists suppress their poor inner self-worth to such an extent that they are unaware of it. When under stress, narcissists’ negative, hostile, even nasty, inner feelings overwhelm them. To cope with this loss of pride, confidence, or self-regard, they turn to fury and manipulation.

Caregivers typically have high self-esteem and put a lot of effort into being kind and loving. But if you enter into a relationship with a narcissist, you’ll find that your positive self-esteem rapidly wanes as you try to please your narcissistic spouse—an impossible endeavor, to be sure. As the caregiver, you feel obligated to stick around and “prove” to the narcissist that you’re genuinely kind, sincere, and making an effort.

4. Hidden shame

Caretakers and narcissists frequently harbor a great deal of concealed shame. Both of them experience extreme tension when they try to be flawless when they don’t feel good enough. Narcissists use accusations, taunts, putdowns, and degrading remarks to project their own shame onto other people. When caregivers see that their partner is not happy or satisfied, they often begin to judge themselves negatively. You’ll likely experience this guilt more intensely if your parents were narcissistic or manipulative when you were growing up. Additionally, shame tends to accumulate faster the longer you spend with a narcissist.

Alicia was brought up by a narcissistic mother who constantly made fun of and denigrated her. No matter how many duties she took on or how effectively she completed them, she never felt good enough. She thus readily accepts responsibility when her husband yells and becomes upset because there isn’t enough money to fulfill his demands. She attempts to talk to him and calm herself, but when Matt accuses and belittles her, she breaks down.

5. Fear of being alone/abandoned

Both caregivers and narcissists are afraid of terminating a combative, violent relationship. You’re not good enough or great enough if you’re alone. To both narcissists and caregivers, to leave or permit the other person to go, is a very embarrassing failure.

Though he may feel angry and disappointed with Serena for seemingly taking advantage of him, David isn’t thinking about breaking up with Serena. Rather, he belittles her housekeeping, whines about not being able to give her more money, and continues to give her recipes, all of which she disregards. He does this in a passive-aggressive manner. He’s determined, nonetheless, to persuade her to contribute fairly. She knows deep within that he would never leave her, so she chooses to disregard these things. She doesn’t want to humiliatingly return to her family, so she makes sure to do just enough to keep him from going too far.

Last point to remember

There is a push/pull, love/hate, superior/inferior, win/lose magnetic synergy between narcissists and caregivers. Your contrasts serve to accentuate one another, and your commonalities maintain your bond. You’ve entered a cooperative, if frequently antagonistic, partnership where the narcissist is the only focus. Even though you may whine about it, you end up giving in because you feel accountable, compelled, and, most of the time, too afraid to refuse.