Coping With Adultery: The Aftermath Of Infidelity

One of the worst things you may find in a marriage is that your spouse has cheated on you. Finding out that you have been betrayed can leave you feeling surprised, indignant, full of self-doubt, sad, and most of all, deeply hurt. This can happen whether you discover out because your husband comes to you and confesses, or because you follow signs that reveal the awful truth of his wandering.

You may be asking yourself a lot of questions now that you know your partner has been unfaithful. How could this be the actions of someone who professed to love me? Was I lacking in quality? What is it that the other woman possesses that I lack?

You have encountered a significant, life-altering circumstance in your marriage. Here are a few strategies to help you deal with adultery:

What to do in the immediate: Take stock

Your spouse’s infidelity has been brought to your attention. Even though you’re still in shock, you need to act responsibly. This might be a wonderful time for your kids to visit your parents if you have any so that you and your spouse can discuss this crisis scenario in an open and honest manner. No parents nearby? Ask a friend to watch the kids for one or two days.

Give yourself a day to contemplate the news of your spouse’s infidelity if there are no children involved before trying to have a conversation. It takes time for what has transpired to really sink in. Before delving into the details of his infidelity, give yourself permission to be alone with your own reflections. Scream, weep, and beat your fists on a pillow. Release the hurt and rage. This will help you get ready for when you feel ready to have a conversation with your partner.

It is normal to be experiencing some traumatic thoughts

When a spouse learns that their partner has had intimate relations with someone else, almost all of them report having obsessive thoughts about what their partner did. They pictured them holding hands and smiling on a date. They questioned the affair’s sexual component. They alternated between wanting to hear nothing about the relationship and demanding to know every last detail.

Experiencing intrusive, recurring thoughts about the events leading up to the adulterous affair is your attempt to exert control over an obviously uncontrollable circumstance. Additionally, marriage counselors disagree with your spouse’s attempt to persuade you that it is preferable to remain in the dark about his interactions with the other lady. In addition to helping her deal with the infidelity, answering the betrayed spouse’s questions for as long as she feels the need to do so will also enable her to continue on her recovery journey.

Beginning the conversation

Even when you are upset with your partner, you owe it to one another to discuss the betrayal and decide how you want to proceed moving forward. Please relax in; this will not be a quick or simple chat. You might discuss this for the next few weeks or months. The conversation will go in one of two directions, depending on the details of the affair:

Either one of you wants to work to keep the marriage together, or both of you want to get a divorce.

Regardless of the direction the talk goes, consulting with a certified marriage counselor can be helpful in guiding the discussion and maintaining its sanity and productivity. If it’s your decision, a certified marriage counselor may offer you both a safe, impartial space to process what transpired and work toward rebuilding your marriage based on honesty, trust, and a renewed commitment to faithfulness.

Self-care strategies for coping with adultery

You are conversing with one another and with a marriage counselor present. Your attention is on resolving the problems in your marriage that caused your partner to wander. But keep in mind that you are the one who is being harmed in this scenario, therefore you should give yourself extra care throughout this trying period.

Strike a balance between acknowledging the significant transformation your marriage has undergone and diverting your attention with positive pursuits. While you don’t want to try to dismiss the hurt, you also don’t want to wallow in it.Set aside time to think about your marriage, as well as time to work out, interact with others, or simply relax in front of a light TV show.

Choose wisely who you want to share this information with. At this crucial juncture in your life, you want the support of your close friends, but you also don’t want to be the center of rumors. Put your trust in those who you know will handle this information with tact, and who won’t go around causing damaging gossip about you and your partner.

Remember that you had nothing to do with your husband’s extramarital affair. He might attempt to dissuade you by saying that you had neglected him, that you were too preoccupied with the kids or your job to give him the attention he needed, or that you were indifferent to his needs. Even though he may have some points, leaving a committed marriage is never justified by any of these arguments. Before committing potentially disastrous adultery that could end their marriage, wise individuals talk things out.

Keep in mind the proverb “This too shall pass. “After an affair, you will feel saddened right away. But have faith that this emotion will pass. There will be ups and downs in your emotional condition, as well as good and terrible days. You will start to have more good days than terrible days as you and your spouse work through the causes for the adultery.

The road towards healing is long and windy

You never thought that adultery would be the “worse” in “for better and for worse” when you exchanged vows as husband and wife. Recognize that you are not alone in having an affair—between 30% and 60% of people are said to have had one at some point throughout their marriage. Many of those individuals go on to strengthen and restore their marriages. It is possible to have a better, more stable, and loving marriage after an affair, but it requires commitment, communication, support from a compassionate therapist, and patience.