A New Approach to Counseling

Millions of couples today will come to the realization that getting counseling is necessary to keep their relationship together.

Just a tiny portion of them will ask for assistance. However, a lot of people who seek assistance will regrettably discover that traditional marriage counseling is still in use today. despite the fact that it is incredibly ineffective.

I had a mediocre success rate in marital and relationship counseling from 1990 to 1996, but that all changed when I adopted a new strategy for this crucial type of coaching and counseling.

For the first six years of my professional career, like most counselors and coaches, I employed the time-honored but phony approach to marital and relationship counseling. And what does that mean?

Regardless of whether they were dating or married, if I was working with a troubled couple, we would all meet together once a week for eight, twelve, or twenty-four weeks in an effort to rescue the relationship. I collaborated with everyone till 1996. The three of us would always sit down and try to figure out how to save the relationship, whether it was over the phone or in my office.

Then, in 1996, I completely revamped my strategy for coaching and counseling. I was aware that I needed to approach relationship work very differently as well.

When our couples were obviously angry with one another, I saw that practically every session ended with arguments, debates, and interruptions between the couples—exactly as they would when they were attempting to reach a decision on how to keep their relationship intact at home.

Working with couples separately

Then a lightbulb blew! They were paying me to do exactly what they did at home, I realized. And that to me was ridiculous. In 1996, I informed a couple I was working with that I would no longer be working with them as a pair and would instead be working with each of them separately to improve their relationship.

And I gave them a direct response. I shouldn’t be being paid to debate with you. It’s a free task you can perform at home. My job is to assist you in uniting and overcoming the difficulties you are presently experiencing.

Thus, this is my approach, which I heartily urge all other experts to learn and apply as well.

1. Observe the couple’s interactions.

I typically work with couples for one session, the first one being in-person, over the phone, or over Skype, depending on how much anger is there in the relationship. This helps me understand how they communicate unhealthy and whether they know how to interact healthily at all.

2. Pay attention

I work one-on-one with each person for an hour once a week for the next six to twelve sessions. This enables me to give them my whole focus, gives them the confidence to talk to me about anything without their partner present, and greatly increases their faith and trust in my method.

3. Bring the couple together

I will reunite the two of them over the phone, via Skype, or in my office after four to six weeks, depending on how far along we are in reducing the amount of anger and resentment between them, to assess how far they have progressed in their relationship skills.

4. Return to giving them individual counseling.

We may continue to work with clients once a week in order to aid in their healing, depending on where they are in the process. It is not uncommon for a couple to begin to rebuild their relationship after about six months. Naturally, this depends on how much hatred, resentment, and rage a couple brings to my practice.

The reaction has been amazing. After four to six months, this therapy technique has assisted couples in coming to sound decisions about whether to stay in the relationship or move on. Naturally, as a counselor and coach, my first priority is always to try to keep the relationship intact. However, after a lot of work, if it’s best for the couple to go on and separate, especially if there are kids involved, they have to make that decision for themselves.

With time, I expect to see more experts utilizing the methods I developed back in 1996. It works well. It has strength. It’s secure. It is private. Above all, connection work yields the desired outcomes.