6 Problematic Motivators to Prevent Unhealthy Marriages

People occasionally inquire as to whether my experience as a marital and family therapist has made me doubt the value of union. Sincerely, the response is no. Despite the fact that I am familiar with the animosity, disappointment, and difficulties that can occasionally follow saying “I do,” my job as a therapist has given me insight into what constitutes (or does not constitute) a healthy marriage.

Even a happy marriage requires work.

Even happy couples can have tension and struggle. Having said that, I do think that when one chooses a mate carefully, some of the difficulties that couples have in marriage can be avoided. I don’t say this to put down any married couple who is having problems in their union. Problems do not usually indicate a failing marriage. I think that any marriage can heal, regardless of how things may have started out in the partnership, even when couples got married for less than ideal reasons. I have seen it happen.

Problematic reasons for choosing to get married

This article’s goal is to increase awareness of the negative factors that influence marriage-related decisions. I’m hoping that this post may aid in avoiding hasty or poor relationship judgments that could lead to future avoidable conflict or hurt. The following are typical marriage-related motivations that I most usually observe in pairs with shaky marital foundations. Weak foundations lead to unneeded conflict and decrease a marriage’s ability to resist potential natural shocks.

Fear that no one better will come along

Sometimes the underlying belief that couples have is that “someone is better than no one” makes them ignore each other’s warning signs.

It makes sense that you don’t want to be alone, but is it worthwhile to spend the rest of your life with someone who either treats you poorly or bores you? When a couple marries out of dread of being alone, they feel as though they have compromised on their rights or desires. That hurts the spouse who believes they have been settled for as much as disappointed the spouse who feels they have settled. It’s true that no one is flawless, therefore it’s unfair to expect your partner to be. However, it is possible to feel appreciated and respected by one another. That is reasonable. If your relationship doesn’t make you feel this way, it would probably be in your best interests to end it.


Particularly in Christian societies, marriage can occasionally be elevated to a high pedestal. This may cause single people to feel like less than whole people and may put pressure on them to hurriedly get married.

These couples frequently care more about their marriage than the person they are getting married to. Sadly, after taking their vows, they can start to discover that they never really got to know their spouse or developed conflict-resolution skills. Before you get married, get to know the person. You should probably slow down if you’re hastily getting married only to feel like you’re starting your life.

Wishing to influence their lover to change

I have dealt with a number of couples who went down the aisle fully knowing of the “issues” that are currently causing issues in their marriage. They frequently explain to me, “I thought that would change once we were married,” When you marry someone, you promise to accept and cherish them just as they are. Yes, they could alter. They might not, though. It is unfair to get upset with your partner if he says he will never want children since he will likely say the same thing after you get married. Give your partner the chance to change before getting married if you feel they need to. Only marry someone if you can commit to them in their current state if they don’t.

Fear of being rejected by people

Some couples decide to get hitched because they are too concerned with disappointing or offending others. Some couples feel obligated to get hitched because everyone expects them to, or because they don’t want to be the ones to call it quits on an engagement. They want to demonstrate to everyone that they did it correctly and are prepared to move on. However, the anguish and stress of making a lifelong commitment to someone who is not suited for you far outweighs the momentary discomfort of disappointing people or being the subject of rumors.

An inability to function independently

While the “You complete me” approach may appear to work in films, codependency, as it is known in the mental health field, is NOT healthy. When you are codependent, you depend on another person for your identity and sense of worth. This puts that person under unhealthily high pressure. Your needs cannot be fully met by a human. Two healthy people who can survive on their own are the foundation of healthy relationships.

They are stronger together. Think of a happy couple as two hands-on individuals. The other one won’t fall if the first one does, and it could even be able to support the first one if it does. Now picture the codependent pair as two individuals leaning back against one another. The weight of the other person is being felt by both of them. If one person stumbles, both stumble and get wounded. Your marriage will be challenging if you and your partner are completely reliant on one another to survive.

Fear of lost time or energy

Relationships need substantial investment. They demand effort, resources, and time. It is challenging to picture a couple splitting up after making such a significant investment in one another. We have lost. Couples may decide to get married against their better judgment out of a fear of wasting time and emotional resources on someone who won’t end up being their spouse. Choosing marriage over a breakup could seem easier at the time, but doing so will likely result in many marital problems that could have been avoided.

It’s something to think about before entering into a marriage if you can relate to one or more of these. Do not despair if you are already married. Your relationship has potential still.

Marriages that are unhealthy can become healthy.

In healthy relationships, mutual respect, real enjoyment of one another’s presence, and shared goals and beliefs are frequently the driving forces behind marriage. For those of you who are single, look for someone who would make a good marriage partner and focus on being someone who would make a good marriage partner for someone else. Don’t hurry the procedure. You’ll spare both yourself and others the needless emotional suffering.